we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
