we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
this must be what syphilis tastes like
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
