I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
