Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
