i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
