i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
