She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
