No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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