i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
