I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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