you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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