he told me I talked like a deaf person
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
