Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
