Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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