that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
