I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
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I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
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thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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