I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
