I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.