Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
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how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
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Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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