So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
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"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
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also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Couch. On fire.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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