i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
