i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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