Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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