Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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