If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
