Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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