My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
