Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
