Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
