I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
