Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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