We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
