Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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