yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
