I murdered the dance floor call the cops
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
