Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
