saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
