I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
