Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
