Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
