I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
