I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
