Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
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I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
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She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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