i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
