I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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