Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
