This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
