guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
