I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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