This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
