There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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