Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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