I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
