dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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