I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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