This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
