i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
