I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
